Seek first to understand, then to be understood

At our last meeting, Taylor guided the discussions on Covey's Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. A few interesting points came up:

Q1. Part 1 of this habit is quite easy for me to do as an Asian. But if I do always follow this habit, wouldn't I run the risk of being looked upon by a western company culture as some one who is timid, indecisive? I am worried this idealized habit is not helpful for my career especially in company cultures that reward "shooting from the heap".

A1. It's possible that you could work in an environment where shooting from the heap is the culture. Some organizations do not recognize the power of Covey's Habit 5. They become blind to and unconscious of the truth and will not in the long run continue to succeed. But since Covey and others have been teaching these habits, there are more and more companies that do pay attention. Ultimately, it is really up to you to decide when you want to use this habit. You have the freedom to choose. And when you have faith and do it , you will be surprised how more open people are to returning the favor of trying to understanding you.

Q2. This habit seems to suggest that we need to be still and quiet as we interact with someone. But you say sometimes, we do need to interrupt? When is the right time?

A2. Keeping an open posture, paying attention, be still and not interrupting is still the best approach. When we do interrupt, it is to get clearer meaning what the other person is really saying. Resist the temptation to advice or tell our own story. There are times that we need to summon our courage to say something when we fully understand that our own values and principles are at stake. That really is part 2 of the habit. I myself have learned to speak up when I hear statements that demean people (have racial or discrimination overtones).

Q3. I am aware of my own thoughts as I try to listen to other people. Listening is really not easy for me. It seems I am trying to get ready to advice and respond.

A3. As soon as you are aware of the thoughts, you can whisper silently to yourself, "Pay attention." Do it not as admonishment, but rather a light-hearted reminder. You will find you can be present again.

Q4. I notice there are people who are very witty. They are humorous and they put people at ease. What role does wit have to play in this habit?

A4. Wit and humor is a good skill to have. They are social grace. But there are also people who try too hard to be witty, they are not really listening. They just want to come up with a clever line. Overdoing this would discourage people from opening up to them.

Q5. We find silence very uncomfortable.

A5. Well, go try it sometime. Deliberately fight the urge to speak and just smile and show appreciation. See what happens.